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Thursday, October 24, 2019

What's Your Cross?

It's been a rough week. My husband had knee replacement surgery on Monday and has been dealing with the the pain and swelling associated with it. Hospital stays are always uncomfortable and exhausting with nurses and techs coming in round the clock to check vitals, give medicine, etc. Neither of us got much sleep and came home yesterday pretty exhausted.

Our oldest came to help out, along with four of her five daughters. Besides offering practical help and a third set of ears at the hospital, her cheerful disposition and the chirpy conversations of her girls was a delightful distraction.

Another daughter came over with goodies yesterday and greeted us as we returned from the hospital bearing Whoppers for Dad and Almond Joys for Mom. Dad is well stocked in Whoppers now since the oldest also brought his favorite candy. Plenty to share. We expect our next medical crisis to be an astronomical sugar high.

It's worth it! What a gift to have loved ones to help carry a cross!

In fact, our experience this week got me thinking about crosses.

 There are so many different kinds.

Physical crosses are often easy to see like my husband's current situation. When you're using a walker and limping your cross is hard to miss. A quadriplegic in a wheel chair, someone with a missing limb or an obvious disfigurement: those are crosses everyone sees. But many physical crosses are invisible to those around us. Cancer hides, often until it's so far advanced the sufferer is near death. Auto-immune diseases don't always advertise.

I remember seeing a video by Randy Pausch called The Last Lecture. It's a traditional lecture that hypothetically addresses what a professor would say if he knew it was his last lecture. Only for Pausch who had terminal pancreatic cancer it really was his last. Only he looked the picture of health and at the beginning of his talk dropped to the floor to do pushups.  Just months away from death the only reason people knew about his cross, was he shared about it. And the reason he shared was to leave a legacy of hope for his three small children.



Mental crosses can be easy to spot.  A psychosis is pretty obvious. But they can also be impossible to see. Severe depression can hide behind a smile. Sometimes mental crosses only become apparent when a crisis occurs.  How many people with mental health problems are invisible? And their suffering, their cross, is every bit as real and sometimes even more painful and debilitating than a physical ailment.

And how many in our culture are struggling with painful emotional crosses: hurts from the past or present, fears of the future, memories of broken relationships, the cross of their own characters and personalities?

Many in our narcissistic society carry a cross of out-of-control feelings they've never learned to control. You can almost watch them pound more logs onto their crosses making them even heavier while they look around to see if anyone notices. "Please see my pain!"

Wallowing in self pity, singing funeral dirges to yourself, and constantly filling your mind with negative memories, imaginings, grudges, etc. just makes your crosses all the harder to bear. I'm a melancholic with a tendency to remember only bad things. That's part of my cross and my challenge is to make a positive choice to shift from those negative memories to happier ones -- or to pray the St. Michael prayer for help!

We all have multiple crosses. Some are made of toothpicks and straws. Some are made of hardwood and lead. My sister used to talk about being crucified by thumbtack. That's a very graphic image for a reality many of us experience.

The worst cross I can think of is one you carry alone with no one to help.

We don't have to worry about that this week. My husband has had multiple phone calls from our children and other family members and friends. Prayers and good wishes fill my Facebook page and both our email accounts.

What a blessing when Simon helped Jesus to carry the cross. What a blessing when others help us to carry ours!

And what a blessed paradox it is to think that when we help others carry their crosses our own seem to get a little lighter. In fact, that was advice Fulton Sheen once gave to a woman complaining about being depressed. He sent her on a mission to help others. It helped.

What's your cross?

Do you have anyone to help you carry it?

Do you have the courage to ask for help if you don't?

When someone is rude or cuts you off in traffic or seems to go out of the way to be mean and insulting, do you ever wonder what's going on in his or her life? None of us can read another's heart or know the weight of their crosses. Do we cut people any slack?

St. Francis de Sales, a wise spiritual director, says that we should always put the worst construction on our own actions and the best construction on the actions of others. Wow! It's not an easy directive as I can personally testify from my own experience.

And there's another thought that I got from reading a book by Simon Tugwell years ago (I can't remember the title.) who says part of the cross we have to bear is the realization that we carry it so badly. Amen!

That is indeed a sad truth and one that is sure to keep us humble if we reflect on it seriously.

May we all learn to pick up our cross cheerfully each day and bear it with a smile. As Fr. John Hardon often reminded us, the muscles around our mouth are voluntary. No matter how we feel on the inside, we can make a choice to brighten another's day with a cheerful smile.

3 comments:

  1. Crucifixion by thumbtack, oh gosh, that resonates with me. I call it "death by a thousand papercuts," too. My cross on this Friday is a youngest of three, age 23, who repeatedly sees young military men, not keeping any distance until they know each other better, and within weeks I learn the extent of the dysfunction. The last crisis ended in a court case. She immed hooked up with the next and has just learned he is married. Photos he sent with his young son drew her in. He lied about his status. This is not because they are military. She contacts young soldiers or Marines on apps. This is her endless thirst for approval and a connection since her dad simply cannot provide either. I do not blame him. It is just the dynamics.

    As a codependent myself, I work at open-ended comments and questions. My inner panic, like you described, makes me so fearful for her safety. She has had to undergo tests yesterday for STDs since his young expectant wife learned who "Smith" really was in his contact list. Imagine her tragic heartache to learn my daughter was the 10th in recent history. She called. My daughter was just about to go see him. I was going to get her a ticket to ease my mind rather than her driving. Her contact with him in person and on the phone had been SO different from the other disasters.

    He is that good. He is that adept. The only mercy is we learned before she was in his state and alone.

    The numb dumb fear I feel every single day with her future leaves me so frozen inside. Her older siblings are both happily married with children.

    She told me she sees herself as a failure compared to them. She is my "baby bug baby," born way later. She knows the depth of my appreciation and love for her. I tell her nonstop.

    She is cutting off family and friends with a sudden zealous vegan stand on everything. Vegan vegan vegan.

    I just hold my breath. I am emotionally cyanotic.

    She is the light of my life and my Achilles' heel all at once. Brilliant artist, rescues animals, loves to chat with anyone, is a loving nanny - but these drastic chaotic times scare me sideways.

    I guess I needed to say all that.

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  2. I'm taking you and your daughter to Mass with me in spirit this morning. We live in such hard times, "chaotic" is a good word. I'm asking my guardian angel to go and pray with your angel and her angel that a hedge of protection will surround her. I'll also be praying for your comfort and peace. We never stop being parents to our beloved children and those who give us the most heartache have a special place in our hearts. May we always entrust our children to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I'll be praying the Sacred Heart chaplet for you all today as well.

    https://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/chaplets/chap55.htm

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  3. Why not try a Catholic on-line dating service? There she may connect with men who are practicing Catholics and actually want to get married.

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