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Tuesday, July 4, 2023

Does Your Marriage Need Help? Psychologist Ray Guarendi May Have the Answer

Among his many books is this one describing what he's learned from his children

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a Catholic psychologist with ten adopted children and host of EWTN's 
program, The Doctor is In. He's written a book, Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage. I suspect most of us married folk could use a little advice and assistance from time to time. In a National Catholic Register interview with Joseph Pronechen, Dr. Ray had this to say:
Why did you see the need to write this book?
Believe it or not, I was working out one day, and a friend said, “Have you ever written a book on marriage?” I said, “No.” He said, “You should.” So I did.

One of the things that moved me was that the majority of marriages dissolve not because of pathology, but because the two people stop liking each other. They drift apart. They stopped doing the things that once solidified their relationship. In fact, there are small things they can do to return some of that. That’s my goal. I can’t necessarily deal with the pathology, like alcoholism, or abuse or pornography or adultery in a book, but I can give you a lot of ideas for being a better person in a marriage. And the quickest way to change your spouse is to change yourself first.

You write, “The secret of a good marriage, for the most part, is that there are no secrets — only commonsense, time-tested ideas practiced by countless others who have done it well.” Why don’t people realize that?

We are in an over-psychologized society. We talk about enlightened communication techniques; we can talk about proper sharing of feelings. In fact, getting along with people, anybody, even in very close relationships, can be distilled down to a few simple ideas. The problem is — and I’m asked this oftentimes in therapy, when people will say to me, “What’s the hardest part of therapy?” And I’ll say, “That’s very simple — convincing others to do what would be good for them and the people around them.” And that’s why, when I wrote this book, a large part is devoted to trying to convince you that these are, in fact, good things to do. Most people realize there (sic) are, but out of laziness or resistance, they don’t do it.

The entire interview is worth reading. I haven't read the book, but it looks interesting and useful.

Bonnie, our Plymouth Blue is a love!
One thing I've learned personally is that having chickens is good for marriage. Crazy? Well, let me explain. When we first got our chickens and they were big enough, we let them free range all day. That ended on the afternoon that Pidgie, our Welsummer, disappeared. We later saw a red fox prowling around the chicken coop so we stopped letting the chickens out unless we were outside. We figured that Pidgie ended up in the fox's belly and one chicken dinner was all we would allow.

So every evening we go out and sit under the pine tree "umbrella." We pray the rosary together, watch the chickens, and laugh at their antics. After the rosary we spend another 30-45 minutes either chatting or reading a book together. At present we're enjoying Fr. Gabriel Amorth's reminiscences of his close friend, Padre Pio. What a great saint!

Praying and chatting near the end of the day has become a precious time for us. We reflect on what's going on with the kids and grandkids, what's on the calendar, when we should go back to visit family in Wheeling, or whether we should take a camping trip this fall, or any number of nothings. We discuss possible projects -- like the outside nesting box on the coop that solved the problem of Whopper laying underneath. (Climbing under the coop to retrieve her eggs was getting very tiresome for this old lady and Larry can't get down on his knees anymore.) What a grateful wife I was when we attached the nesting box to the side of the coop. Now I can just flip the lid and collect the eggs. Best of all, the chickens love it. They are laying earlier and many days they all lay. 

Lift the lid for eggs!
During free range time, we usually end up having to corral two wandering chickens who like to venture down by the woods. We keep telling them that's where Reynard lives, but they don't listen. So we go and shoo them back to safer spaces. It reminds me of the things parents do to protect their children when they're little. We feel like border collies on duty.

Larry and I will be married 54 years this October. It's been quite a journey with ups and downs and sometimes inside outs. It's filled with happy memories, sorrowful memories, sickness and health, good times and bad... until death do we part. Every Catholic couple married in the Church knows all that. It's in the wedding vows, the promises you make on your wedding day. 

Often times when someone gets married there will be a party with a "box." Guests are invited to fill out a card with advice for the engaged or newlywed couple. My advice is the same I gave to newlyweds on their honeymoon, J.B. and Kendra. We met them waiting in line for the tram in Gatlinburg where we went for our 50th wedding anniversary celebration. I told them we'd pray for them and that if they would take one piece of advice from an old married couple: "Keep your promises and always treat each other with respect." For us, those promises are sacred. They've protected our marriage for almost 54 years and will continue to do so until the day one of us dies. We made them before God; how can we take them back? My grandmother, a sarcastic Prussian, sometimes quipped about her relationship with my grandfather, "Kill him yes; divorce him never!" It became something of a family joke. I heard it from my smiling mother many times whose cheerfulness to this day blesses me.

Larry and I pray often for married couples. We spent years doing Engaged Encounter weekends, Conferences for the Engaged, and Pre-Cana. We met a lot of couples over those years who touched our lives. The reason I remember J.B. and Kendra is that I wrote down their names and put them in my rosary prayer box. As I rotate through the holy cards and notes each day, they come up periodically and I smile remembering how sweet they were. Young love is beautiful, so fresh and new like a rosebud. But old love is beautiful too -- like a full blown rose or perhaps like a sprig of dried lavender that retains its beautiful purple color. Red and purple: the colors of martyrdom and sacrifice. 

As we approach 54 years of marriage, Larry and I have kept our promises. Sometimes I've failed to do it cheerfully. Larry has done better in that department. But we are still both committed to keeping those vows we made so long ago.  

God never promised us a rose garden in this life, but He tells us often that, "...eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him." And so we journey on confident that He keeps His promises better than we ever could. And we pray now for whichever one of us will be the surviving spouse going on alone into great loneliness. That's when I cling to my favorite scripture passage that, "All things work together for good to those who love the Lord and serve according to His purpose." Death is the door in the story about the Lady and the Tiger. the only difference is that we know behind which door stands Our Lady and which door harbors the viscious cat who prowls the world seeking whom he can devour. We have chosen our door and will rejoice when it opens leading us to eternal life.

May we all have the grace to love and persevere. It isn't easy but the reward is heavenly.

7 comments:

  1. Mary Ann, thank you for this post. I am an abandoned spouse who after 26 years of suffering an abusive spouse and without warning, was forced into going on alone into the great loneliness. After nearly 5 years of this painful journey, I still struggle every single day. My spouse, in a manner of speaking, is dead. She killed the personality that she had created that was the Catholic convert, wife and mother, and has continued on with being the person she was before we met; diabolical narcissist, promiscuos, Godless...having now completely rejected the faith. Strangely, reading things about good and holy marriages is helpful to me in that it helps me.to better understand just how broken my marriage was from before even walking down the aisle. It was doomed for failure before it had even begun. It also provides some (very little, but some) solace in knowing that I did all (and even more) that could have been expected of a husband. It also helps.point out how far I had let myself be dragged down as a man and husband, just trying to keep peace in the home and the psychotic rages to a minimum. Weird? Perhaps, I don't know. But just thought I'd share. Also, not to try to skirt the comment prohibition, but thank you for the Sede posts. It is something I have been struggling with for some time now. Wondering. I like to read intelligent arguments on both sides..not screeds and rants and calling the other side idiots. But intelligent analysis. So thank you. Still wondering...but what I do know, is that the deposit of faith is timeless and unchangeable, no matter what. So to the nearest TLM I go, without question or wondering!!!

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    1. Anonymous,
      What you describe is heroic, and I thank you for sharing the outlines of suffering in such an honest way (so many of us can relate to the struggle in various ways).

      As a sinner who has been forgiven much, I have tremendous empathy for those (like you) who struggle (like me) every single day with sin (mine and others’) and suffering.

      Some have greater burdens than others. Others more carefree might simply ignore what should be a burden (their cross), who lay it down for the sake of peace and comforts - these might be seemingly successful outside, but inside might be a whole ‘nuther story … that, truly, only God can judge. But suffering in life seems the rule rather than the exception.

      Why? Why does it have to be that way? What kind of God guarantees suffering in this life, rather than pleasure? It might seem vindictive, since He is all-powerful and omniscient.

      Why?

      Because we are in a war, declared by Satan against God, joined by our first parents in Eden which thus involves all their children until the end of time. Paradise was lost. We now live on a battlefield for souls and the casualties are high, the stakes both temporal and eternal. And by the logic of God, all must willingly, voluntarily declare themselves (as the Angels did) for it against one side or another and act by their God-given free will in accordance with their choice: faith or unbelief leads to works, otherwise known as fruits (Gal 5:16-25)

      God has opened Paradise to His children, but it is war (usually unrecognized) from the moment of birth until death to get from here to there.

      In the homily last week, our SSPX Priest spoke on how it is a mistake to fixate on the powers of the enemy, his ever-present efforts to steal our souls for hell. Some read books and immerse in deliverance prayers and focus (perhaps) excessively on the techniques of the enemy. That is not wrong, per se, but it misses the main point: we have Jesus and the devil disappears like mist in a summer morning as the sun rises … to the extent we have Jesus in us and Mary, Mediatrix of all Graces with us.

      All the debates about current conflicts, deviations, heresies, faithlessness; all the various sufferings produced by sinners in the conflict of this life … fade away (like the mists) as we attach ourselves to the Constant Magisterium of timeless RCC and there meet Jesus: His enemies and their schemes have no power there.

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  2. Your story is incredibly sad, Anonymous. We all suffer and can use that suffering to get a head start on our just deserts in Purgatory. Some of us, however, will have greater opportunities to unite ourselves to the suffering Christ and do the bulk of our Purgatory here on earth. I'm offering my rosary for you today and for your family. You don't say whether you have any children, but if so, I hope your wife hasn't poisoned them against you. It is so common in broken families for the children to become pawns in the battle.

    A spiritual director once reminded me that God is all just and that there is no wrong that will go unrighted in the end. May all of us embrace our sufferings to receive the benefits they offer. It's so easy to squander them by complaining and holding pity parties for ourselves. Believe me; I speak from experience. I'm still working on it.

    May God give you consolation and strength.

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    1. Thank you Mary Ann. I have one adult daughter who has lived with me throughout. I will say through God's grace, the relationship was held together until just after her 21st birthday. She goes to the TLM with me every week. She is my only consolation and a true gift.

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  3. Dear Anonymous, I read your story and am so very sorry this was what happened in your marriage. What a painful form of amputation. Just one thought. And I don’t want to pretend to know more than I do. Was your marriage declared annulled? Because, if not, you may still have intercessory power for her as her valid husband. I know she needs to make the choice, but it sounds to me like either the demons she had attached to her prior to conversion came back to claim her, or she has some sort of reaction to childhood abuse. Could be both. You’re obviously not responsible for her choices, and the sad reality is many people choose not to change, but maybe her only chance is through your (and St Mary Magdalen’s) prayers. Praying for perseverance and peace for you, and yes, the Cross comes in many forms...

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  4. "...just how broken my marriage was from before even walking down the aisle. It was doomed for failure before it had even begun...." Is unfortunately how some people get drawn into the annulment mills.

    But the issue of covert prenuptial incapacity begs the question of how *anyone* can meaningfully pledge till death do us part.

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    1. I recommend the approach of "Mary's Advocates in presuming marriage validity and having the wounded divorcee nevertheless "stand" for the marriage. Reconciliation *could* happen. If the wife "rose" into virtue before, she can do it again! But she would need the husband's encouragement and availability

      And what a blessing for the child of the marriage it would be. What a concrete thing to pray for

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