The Lies Parents Tell

Parents want to rear their children to be truth-tellers. At least they should. But many parents today lie regularly to their children. Why? Mostly out of human respect. I’ll give an example from my own experience. 

A Catholic mom who went to daily Mass told me she and her husband were hosting their divorced daughter’s invalid second marriage at their home. When I showed surprise, she became defensive and said, “ Should I alienate my daughter?” Of course not! Alienate God instead and essentially tell your daughter her mortal sin is no big deal. I didn't have to say it, my shock said it all. 

When parents approve of their children's sinful behavior, they choose their love for the kids over love for God. What's more, they essentially lie to them that what they are doing is no big deal. Why should they repent when Mom and Dad clearly bless their sins?

I once had a conversation with one of our children who was planning to marry outside the Church. When I said, "Well you know your dad and I can't go," I got the typical reply, "Then you don't love me." Actually, I started to laugh and said, "We've been telling you since you were a teenager that if you ever marry outside the Church we can't go to your wedding. We meant it." Anyway, that relationship didn't last and we later attended a beautiful Catholic wedding celebrating our child's marriage which is now in its third decade.

Think of all the lies surrounding the sixth and ninth commandments. Parents let their children dress immodestly. Modesty is the guardian of chastity. Their actions (or inaction) lets their children become sex objects whose bodies are more important than their characters. Parents bless fornication by putting their daughters on birth control or handing their sons condoms when they go on a date. Their actions lie about the importance of chastity.

Many parents approve of homosexual relationships and same-sex "marriages" for the same reason my friend enabled her daughter's invalid marriage. They want the approval of their children, more than they care about the truth. And, sad to say, they care more about their own comfort than they care about their children's souls.

Not only do parents lie about their children's sinful behavior by their actions, but they lie about their children's identity. There is no such thing as a lesbian, homosexual, or trans identity. God made us male and female and the only sexual relationship that fits our biology is between a man and a woman. But these days even that has to be clarified. A man pretending to be a woman who is in a relationship with a lesbian who enters the game is not in a legitimate relationship even though it's technically between a man and a woman. The relationship is a lie, although I suspect Fr. James Martin would happily endorse it.

Parents who embrace the "I'm okay; you're okay" mentality don't do their children any favors. Every parent has an obligation to love their children unconditionally. What does that mean? 

Let's define love. The true definition of love is to will the good of the other. What is the supreme good? Wanting our children to go to heaven. When we approve of our children's sins we do the exact opposite. We see our children facing the abyss and give them a little push in that direction. "Go to hell, child. What I desire is a peaceful relationship with you here on earth. You may go to hell, but no worries, I'll be there with you for encouraging you in sin." Parents who put their children's feelings above God's law are, in the language of St. Ignatius of Loyola, attached to creatures. The saddest thing is that the attachment is so bad for those they claim to love.

Does that mean we have to constantly be lecturing our children? No! Once they know where we stand, nagging is only likely to harden their hearts. How we respond after we've made our concern obvious is a matter of prudence. If I had minor children and an older child was in a homosexual relationship, I would never let them be around the younger children as a couple. And I would also not allow the younger children to be alone with their sibling. Mean? Or common sense. 

One clarification. It is not a lie to play let's pretend with little ones. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny are games. Little children engage in magical thinking which is developmentally appropriate. Most kids figure out pretty early that they don't really exist although St. Nicholas certainly did. I love the story of Virginia writing to the newspaper asking if there's a Santa Claus. If you don't know the story, I wrote about it here. And my way of dealing with monsters under the bed is to hand the child St. Michael's sword, get down on the floor, and kill the beast. It works for me!

We're living in challenging times. The truth has taken a severe hit. That simply means we need to work harder to defend it and live it. I love my kids and I love my grandkids. I promise never to lie to them even it means risking their estrangement. The truth is too important to make it negotiable and dependent on feelings. To paraphrase St. Thomas More, I love my children, but God first.