Snow White and Priest Charming - A Modern Tale of Female Vindictiveness

But of course I'm telling the truth. - Snow White

Chapter I

Once upon a time there was a young wommon named Snow White who was not at all unfortunate looking, but who lately seems to have eaten far too much food which therefore makes her more of a mean-spirited femme fatale than she already was several years ago when she was nubile and first encountered Priest Charming.

Priest Charming had the most dreadful misfortune of being born incredibly handsome, and with dimples and a charming French accent, all the girls in Snow's kingdom were blushing, giggling and sighing whenever he passed by even though Miss White promises that she had never ever even heard of Priest Charming before she encountered his doctoring of her soul from behind the screen in the Confessional where she was recounting her past regrettable sexual escapades which deeply saddened her so much that she cried a river of tears right then and there since, through no fault of her own, she had been sexually victimized in her youth by a cousin.

Priest Charming halted Miss White's confession and told her that this was a serious situation but he could help her, which makes perfect sense since priests are "doctors of souls". He suggested that she write down all that had taken place in the past having to do with her sexual problems and any thoughts having to do with being victimized and to contact him if she needed, even in times of temptation. 

Snow White said she felt uncomfortable doing this but she did it anyway because she trusted Priest Charming. After several weeks Priest Charming disappeared out of her life and Snow White felt ghostly abandonment because indeed, she probably was feeling Liz Lev-like, thinking in her best femme fatale vernacular, "I'm gonna hook me a priest too!" She consulted a few friends who said they also had received identical treatment from Priest Charming. One friend couldn't even talk about him because Snow said that the girl "like goes into an emotional frenzy and says like, No, no! He loves me!" (stupid silly girls) Then poof! He was gone from their lives and they all felt like spurned lovers - because indeed, they were all in love with him because he was their Priest Charming.

Chapter II

I interrupt this fairy tale now to bring a real life comparison of "doctors of the body" (medical doctors) and "doctors of the soul" (priests). Now surely at almost 30 years of age Snow White has been to a gynecologist who is obviously a doctor of the body who has to conduct a highly personal and embarrassing examination of the most private areas of Miss Snow's body, both inside and out. She obviously would feel uncomfortable but, knowing that the gynecologist is a medical doctor and is just doing his job, she would comply. I mean, he's not in love with her or anything. 

And after the doctor left the examination room, he would go to his next patient for her examination, and the next one after that, and so on, because that's what gynecologists and other doctors do all day. They examine peoples' bodies and help them recover bodily health by surgically carving out rotted flesh, stamping out bad habits, and referring them to other doctors for other parts of their body. Would Miss Snow rush to her friend in the next examination room to interrogate her and jealously compare notes? "OMG! I'm so freaked! He examined me. It was so uncomfortable! I thought I would die. How about you? What did he do to you? What did he say? Do you know of any other girls he examined? Isn't he dreamy, though?" 

But the gynecologist moves to another state and Snow White and her friends feel abandoned. They get angry, then turn into jealous, vicious scorned wimmin and say, or are being paid by the gynecologist's enemies to say, that he abused them. Snow White sneers, "I'll fix him. I'll get his medical practice restricted, get his license revoked, make it so he will never see another patient in his life! I'll ruin his reputation and make his life miserable, I will. Just watch me!" 

Chapter III

Priest Charming's side of this story will be covered shortly but let's continue with Snow White's tale for the moment because the beautiful but dastardly Queen of the Nile, exotically-born and Oxford-educated newsperson, springs into action filming Snow White who looks overweight and in need of a hairbrush. The Nile Queen had just consulted the Magic Mirror in her dressing antechamber and asked it if she was still the most beautiful and best wommon journalist, Twitter personality and YouTube singer of all time. The Mirror, weary of being asked the same question by wimmin all over the kingdom day after day, angrily replied: Nile Queen, you are still fairest in the land, but your lies are getting out of hand. The Nile Queen was enraged and vowed that someone would dearly pay as a result of this outrageous answer from the Magic Mirror. 

As I watched the Nile Queen's self-serving video - which, in addition to Snow's telling body language, had far too many Freudian slips by both Snow and the Nile Queen - I wondered how she could sit there in her purple queen's outfit with that deadpan expression on her face, acting as if she truly believed Snow White's story about Priest Charming. The psychological underpinnings screamed out at me from the computer screen, so how could the Queen of the Nile not see, sitting there face to face hearing Snow White's confession, that she - Snow White - is a narcissistic liar? And probably being paid to do it.

Snow White says that she wants wimmin and children to be protected from Priest Charming and that she is "there for other people" for them to call her, talk to her (Wait! Isn't that what Priest Charming said for her to do and is what she's complaining about to the Nile Queen?) and hopes she can help solve the particular problem of Priest Charming (who was just doing his job). She wants him to stop helping people, not comprehending that just because she's an immature emotional mess, doesn't mean that other people are not mature enough to understand what "operating" on a soul means. You know...to make a person's soul healthy so that they don't have grandiose ideas about themselves as a femme fatale in every man's life, priest or otherwise.

The Queen of the Nile finally asks Snow White what the future holds for her. "What is Snowy hoping for out of all of this?" At that point I said out loud, "A book deal? Movie? Fame and fortune?" But no, Snow White demurely shrugged her large shoulders and said that she "believes God is behind all this" and she's going to do the best she can to "expose all this" and that she would "love to see as many of them (?) go to jail as possible" and that she will do the "best she can to help the victims the best she can". (Snow apparently did not make passing grades in grammar.) Snow said she doesn't really have any expectations because it's all in God's hands and as a last statement said that she isn't doing this for herself - "I'm doing it for others because I'm their advocate" - and if there's anyone out there she "will respect how they feel about it (?) and that she would never show anyone disrespect for their thoughts or feelings and she would just listen to their story...If they want. Giggle." And that she just wants to live happily ever after. Oh, and one more thing...the only way that things will change is for people to have the courage to come forward and report stuff.

Chapter IV

But "happily ever after" isn't to be the fate of Priest Charming because he must be click bait for the Nile Queen to get better ratings for her non-news show of which the people of the kingdom have grown weary. They're weary because for far too long, day after day, year after year, they've heard "news" of sodomite priests doing what sodomites naturally do. So when the Queen of the Nile splashed Priest Charming's picture all over the Internet and said that he was responsible for being interested in wimmin, my immediate thought was, "Oh, thank God!! How refreshing! He's heterosexual!"

But the Queen of the Nile would have none of that so she sought out Snow White (or maybe Snow went to her first...not sure which way the money is flowing here) and Snow's complaint that Priest Charming had done nothing illegal. His reputation had to be besmirched merely because he had done nothing wrong! In addition, because he was innocent, he needed to be kept away from children!

In a second video The Nile Queen went into high gear whipping people into a frenzy reminiscent of Crucify Him! Crucify Him! (Priest Charming must have powerful enemies) then sent her minions to the kingdom where Priest Charming had been born and raised to search for "facts" - something, anything! - worthy enough to put him in the dungeon. Finding no facts, no names, no dates, no charges against him in any castle record anywhere in the kingdom but only old rumors and hearsay, she desperately resorted to an ancient partial document written in French (which I saw and read myself) which she pounced on as proof that he was an irretrievably bad person who needed to be chained in rags against a wall deep in the lowest part of the dungeon at Castillo San Marcos surrounded by alligators. That way all the tourists would be forewarned and their souls safe from Priest Charming's painful surgical methods operating on the deepest part of their "badly-needing-to-be-fixed" psyches.

Then the evil and dastardly Queen of the Nile announced what she thought would have a chilling effect on the people in Priest Charming's native kingdom which is that she currently is having all her reports of what Snow White said about Priest Charming translated into Priest Charming's vernacular language and distributed among the subjects in his native land. That will show Priest Charming who he's dealing with!

Meanwhile unfortunately for Snow and the Nile Queen, Priest Charming had finally had enough of their oppressive catty female malevolence and lies so he hired a lawyer to sue the scruffy cat fur off their miserable hides, remove their claws and file their fangs so that soon they'll be like Grizabella slinking across the cold pavement singing Memory. 

Chapter V and The End

In one of her self-serving non-news presentations the Nile Queen was so outraged that Priest Charming is walking around unchained, because he has, as Snow clearly stated, done nothing criminal, that she tried stirring up all of us peasants in Priest Charming's current parish by suggesting we revolt and throw him to the nearby alligators. She wondered what is wrong with all of us that we remain under his spell. So now apparently we are to blame for her fury about Snow White's lies.

I say "all of us" because I'm a parishioner at Priest Charming's parish and am fed Christ from his sacred hands while kneeling at the altar rail. I listen to his homilies and remember all week what he teaches about God, the Gospel, the Church, holiness, and how to live better lives so that at our earthly end we might attain Heaven. 

The Queen of the Nile desperately wants us to be upset and do her dirty work for her by ousting Priest Charming from the parish. I can honestly say that if the Nile Queen happened to stand before me in person and demand I do something about what Snow White said, I would turn to her, look her smack in the eyes and say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."