King Phineas T. Bluster and the Peanut Gallery

King Phineas when he was a
a Prince with a red hat

The black print article is from Brietbart; the red is a fairy tale.

In an impassioned address Friday, Pope Francis denied the existence of Islamic terrorism, while simultaneously asserting that “the ecological crisis is real.” In a kingdom far away on a hill lived a king named King Phineas T. Bluster. When the former king "retired" to a dungeon and King Phineas ascended the throne, he told his subjects, "Just call me Phineas," and so it is to this day.

“Christian terrorism does not exist, Jewish terrorism does not exist, and Muslim terrorism does not exist. They do not exist,” Francis said in his speech to a world meeting of populist movements.  As soon as he became king, Phineas tossed out the former king's administration 
and assembled his closest allies as the Peanut Gallery, who cheered him on at every blunder and booed the opposition.

What he apparently meant is that not all Christians are terrorists and not all Muslims are terrorists—a fact evident to all—yet his words also seemed to suggest that no specifically Islamic form of terrorism exists in the world, an assertion that stands in stark contradiction to established fact. Phineas soon saw himself as the great smoother overer of all things evil - evil being not what it was but what Phineas thought it was. Hence, after many months, yea, years, came the day when Phineas endorsed acceptance of an evil kingdom whose subjects were trying to - and had always tried to - take over Phineas' own kingdom.

“No people is criminal or drug-trafficking or violent,” Francis said, while also suggesting—as he has on other occasions—that terrorism is primarily a result of economic inequalities rather than religious beliefs. “The poor and the poorer peoples are accused of violence yet, without equal opportunities, the different forms of aggression and conflict will find a fertile terrain for growth and will eventually explode.” Even though over the centuries the subjects of the Evil Kingdom (EK) had killed millions of Phineas' kingdom's subjects, Phineas was adamant that they really were not mean spirited people at all. He reasoned that since the EK was a hot desert area it did not have the advantage of a prosperous economy like his own kingdom (except for the EK's vacation destination of Dubia Dubai) therefore, the EK's root problem of murderous rampage was economic inequality. Phineas quickly proposed Super WalMarts and other giant big box stores be built in the EK so its subjects could shop instead of engage in non-economical activities.

The Pope also reiterated his conviction that all religions promote peace and that the danger of violent radicalization exists equally in all religions. Phineas' subjects knew that not all EK's people were mean spirited, but that the mean-spirited ones drove the agenda, but Phineas explained dictated anyway that the EK was a peaceful kingdom, just like his own.

“There are fundamentalist and violent individuals in all peoples and religions—and with intolerant generalizations they become stronger because they feed on hate and xenophobia,” he said. Phineas' subjects began to be suspicious of their king equating their own kingdom's peaceful nature with the noticeable unpeaceful nature of the EK. They then began to wonder if it was not a problem of "being peaceful" at all but rather a deeper more sinister problem as the root cause of what on earth was the matter with their king.

While denying the existence of Islamic terrorism, Francis also seemed to condemn the denial of global warming, asserting that “the ecological crisis is real.” At last Phineas proclaimed the catastrophic global warming problem to be the root cause of all evil in the world (so economical inequality was not the EK's problem then?). 

“A very solid scientific consensus indicates that we are presently witnessing a disturbing warming of the climatic system,” he said. Even though Phineas was not a trained scientist, his Peanut Gallery co-dependents advised him in the realm of science, although they too knew nothing about it, but rather only what they thought would explain evil.

We know “what happens when we deny science and disregard the voice of Nature,” the Pope said. “Let us not fall into denial. Time is running out. Let us act. I ask you again—all of you, people of all backgrounds including native people, pastors, political leaders—to defend Creation.” Phineas, disregarding the voice of Buffalo Bob Smith, ventured forth with his own dogmatic proclamation that denying science would destroy all the kingdoms on Earth, yea, even Earth itself. "Wisdom comes from inside a person! Meditate, work out in step aerobics three hours a day and eat only half portions of anything placed in front of you, and you will be wise like me I am."

While acknowledging that science is not “the only form of knowledge,” and that “science is not necessarily ‘neutral’” and often “conceals ideological views or economic interests,” he still insisted that people of good will should not oppose “scientific consensus” regarding global warming. Phineas, concealing his own ideological views, insisted that all people of good will should enslave themselves to his theological opinion regarding global warming. [Hey wait a minute - "All people of good will" means that there are some people who don't have good will towards others. I thought he said that all people, once economically empowered, will robotically become people of good will.]

Leftist media like the liberal Guardian in the U.K. immediately politicized the speech, predictably claiming that the Pope was backing “anti-Trump protests,” despite the fact that the Pope himself denied such a claim, explicitly declaring that “I am not speaking of anyone in particular.” “I am not speaking of anyone in particular, I am speaking of a social and political process that flourishes in many parts of the world and poses a grave danger for humanity,” he said. But then suddenly the cloudy winds of thought lazily floating through Phineas' mind changed direction as he pounced on populist kingdoms and all those subjects in them not of good will, that is, evil. "We have to separate ourselves from those heartless, exploitative kingdoms where there lurks vast conglomerates of evil - zealots who celebrate their own identity, their own culture and who want to ruthlessly relocate subjects from the EK who are economically disadvantaged and who have only just found a whole new life shopping at gigantic mega malls and finally are now happy individuals. You watch! Humanity will suffer because these people will no longer be able to shop!"

Moreover, although the Guardian claimed that the Pope was “condemning populism,” in point of fact, he was speaking to populist movements and praised their commitment to democracy. “The direction taken beyond this historic turning-point,” Francis said, “will depend on people’s involvement and participation and, largely, on yourselves, the popular movements.” Phineas' own subjects grumbled and complained, but then the Peanut Gallery, with brave pomp and flurry, stepped in with their lawyers to deal a stunning blow to Phineas' detractors. Conferring among themselves and jotting down notes on possible action plans they arrived at a non-committed statement. "Phineas," they said, "was not condemning populist kingdoms, but complimenting them on their enthusiasm in celebrating their own identity in a democratic political kingdom." 

Nevertheless, the Vatican’s Secretary of State, Cardinal Pietro Parolin, said Monday that the Holy See is concerned over growing populist and nationalist movements, both in Europe and in the United States. In an interview for the Italian evening news on the state-owned RAI network, the Cardinal was asked whether the Vatican is worried about what the interviewer called “the spread of nationalism and populism not only in Europe but also in the United States with Donald Trump.” Phineas' fans frowned at this statement for they feared that Phineas was backtracking. Phineas then had his lawyers defend his statement by saying, "Phineas has the foresight and fortitude to feel compassion and mercy for your inner feelings as a result of having said this flip remark."

“I think so, I think so,” Parolin said. “Certainly these closings are not a good sign,” since many of them “are born of fear, which is not a good counselor.” After that, once again the winds of change blew through Phineas' thought waves as he changed his mind, saying, "I have changed my mind! I am the symbol of the birth of a new consciousness to separate ourselves from heartless, exploitative kingdoms!"

In his address Friday, the Pope denounced “the guise of what is politically correct or ideologically fashionable,” which he described as a “hypocritical attitude,” while urging real solutions to unemployment, corruption, the identity crisis, and “the gutting of democracies.” At Phineas' Friday audience he denounced hypocritical people. Then to calm the vast crowd, he urged commitment to organizing programs for finding a solution to unemployment and specifically to helping EK subjects solve their identity crisis.

“The system’s gangrene cannot be whitewashed forever because sooner or later the stench becomes too strong,” he said.
Then with a faint but ever growing stink gliding in the air enveloping his subjects, Phineas deceptively declared that he had no idea where the smell originated from, who created it, or where it was going; nonetheless he professed, "When the stench becomes like fragrant perfume, you, my subjects, will know that finally the EK is equal to ours. In fact we are really one religion because we are all puppets belonging to the same creator, Buffalo Bob Smith. Kowabonga."