With Advent and Christmas Coming, Take Note: Mary was NOT an Unwed Mother!

We all have a tendency to view the world from our own limited perspective sometimes ignoring the cultural differences that make that perspective incorrect. I once accepted the notion that Mary was an "unwed mother." It's rather a natural mistake for Christians since we think of the Jewish betrothal as similar to our engagement period. That's led to an error that slanders both God and Mary. What kind of spouse would the Holy Spirit be to allow His bride to be set up for contempt, disrespect, and possible death by stoning? I was corrected years ago and want to share that correction with others as Advent and Christmas approach.

Marriage in the Jewish religion involved two stages, the betrothal and the formal wedding ceremony. The betrothal bound the couple in a covenantal relationship which could not be broken except by divorce. While the couple did not live together, they were married. Let me repeat that. Mary and Joseph were married! The later wedding ceremony ratified the relationship. After the formal marriage, the bride moved in with her spouse and they consummated the marriage.

Let's examine the facts:

• Once the couple is betrothed in Jewish law (Erusin), they are legally married and have contractual obligations. Why would Joseph consider "divorcing Mary quietly" if they weren't married? He could just walk away. So why did he consider divorce? Did he suspect Mary of adultery? How could he? He was a just man and knew how holy Mary was. So wasn't his motivation more likely that he did not understand what was happening or his role in this situation? Maybe he believed that Mary was carrying the Messiah and, in his humility, could not see how he fit into God's plan. Mary, on the other hand, trusting in God, did not try to explain to Joseph what had happened. She surrendered everything to God including resolving the challenging situation in which she found herself. Unlike Sarah with Abraham, Mary did not try to solve the problem with Joseph; she trusted God to do it. What a model of trust and submission for us!

• Consummation of the marriage normally did not take place until after the formal marriage ceremony (Nissuin) when the groom took his bride into his home. During that ceremony (under the canopy) the couple exchanged rings and consummation was permitted. They were supposed to wait, but what happened if they didn't? 

• While consummation after betrothal but before the marriage ceremony was discouraged; it was not adultery and was not formally punished. 

This is from the Jewish encyclopedia:

Consummation Before Formal Wedding in Jewish Law 

Betrothal and Its Significance

In Jewish tradition, betrothal (erusin) is a legally binding contract that establishes a couple's commitment to marry. During this period, the couple is considered married in many respects, and the laws of adultery apply. This means that if either party engages in sexual relations with someone else, it is treated as adultery. 

Consequences of Consummation

If a couple consummates their marriage after betrothal but before the formal wedding ceremony (nissu'in), the situation is complex:

Legal Status: The couple is already bound by the betrothal contract, which means they are not free to engage with others. Consummation during this period is generally not seen as a violation of the contract.

Divorce Requirement: If the couple were to separate after consummation, a formal divorce (get) would be required to dissolve the marriage, as they are already considered married under Jewish law.
Cultural Context

In ancient times, consummation before the formal wedding was not common, and the couple typically lived apart until the nissu'in ceremony. However, if consummation did occur, it would not typically incur punishment, but it would complicate the legal and social dynamics of their relationship.

In summary, while consummation before the formal wedding is not encouraged, it does not carry a specific punishment under Jewish law, as the couple is already considered married.

If anyone tells you this Advent and Christmas season that Mary was an unwed mother, please set them straight. Tell them to just stop it already!