For all you parents and grandparents out there who are dealing with the pain of estrangement or parental discart from one or more of your adult children, I recommend this post:
The Estranged Cat Is Out of the Bag: The Introduction of the Estranged Parental Voice in the Conversation
And now part 2:
Yes, adult children, your parents were flawed and sinful people who made lots of mistakes like almost every other family on the planet. Most of us are sorry and wish we had done a better job. If truth be told, however, you are doing the same thing to your own children. You aren't a perfect parent either. You can blame your parents for that too, but it won't help you if your children follow your example and imitate your behavior by going no contact with you. I hope it never happens, but I see some of it already in the next generation.
My mom once said to me when I was being horrible (I admit it, I was not a perfect kid!), "I hope your children do this to you." She got her wish. (I forgive you, Mom; I deserve it.) I swore I'd never say that to my children and I think I haven't. I said instead, "I hope you are better parents than we were." And I do. My husband and I pray for that every day and also that our children's children never go no contact with them or with their siblings. We hope they are always filled with love and gratitude. And we also hope they retain at least some of the happy memories their parents tried to create.
I can't count the number of fun runs we participated in on 4th of July in Winchester. The last fun run, I think in 2020, we skipped Winchester and organized our own fun run at Camp Kreitzer with lots of help from everyone. We even ordered shirts to wear. But all that is forgotten and dropped down the memory hole by those who choose estrangement. Only our mistakes are remembered. The ingratitude is serious as Rick McCarthy, a licensed marriage and family therapist for 48 years points out in his article:
Honor Thy Father and Mother: The Forgotten Obligation at the Heart of Family Estrangement
As Catholics who follow the Lord, we are called to rejoice and be thankful in all things even pain and suffering. And that is a major challenge. The most difficult part of gratitude is to be thankful in the midst of the storm. That's when, like the apostles, we are tempted to shake the sleeping Jesus crying, "Don't You care that we are perishing?" But that's focusing on the wrong person. It's we who need to wake up and be grateful for the opportunity to unite our sufferings to the sufferings of Christ. And then to reach out with love to others. There are people out there who need our love and support even when those closest to our hearts don't want it. Jesus offers us the challenge to stop looking at our miserable selves drowning in self-pity and, instead, turn outward and offer love and hope to others. May the estrangement culture and parental discard sensitize us to the suffering of others and make us missionaries to the lonely and hurting.
And now I recommend some homework for those who are living with estrangement, both the parents shipwrecked on No Contact Island and the adult children who drilled holes in their boat. Psychologist Joshua Coleman was part of the Oprah show on estrangement which heavily leaned toward the narrative of adult children. He took a stand for parents and the complicated issue of estrangement, not from truly abusive situations, but normal, imperfect families which pretty much defines most of us. Dr. Coleman has numerous articles about estrangement ideology. Here are a few I've read and found helpful:
The First Task of Estrangement: Stabilize - Your health matters. Stress can cause a lot of problems, e.g. exacerbate hypertension and heart issues. We all need to stop and take a breath and seek to calm down.
Therapy, Estrangement, and the Power to Shape Meaning - "Therapists may be partially responsible for some of the recent rise in family estrangements." Is your therapist a "detachment broker?" If so, maybe you should find another.
10 Things Estranged Parents Are Told They’re Doing Wrong - "Healing relationships requires that the adult child acknowledge their contribution to problems and solutions. Grace, not moral condemnation, helps families shift more safely." There's plenty of shared blame in estrangement situations. We all need to examine our own consciences first and remove the beam from our own eyes. Frequent confession is an imperative for Catholics.
The Lonely, Fractured Lives of Estranged Grandparents - "Grandparents play a valuable role in grandchildren's lives, providing security and identity." Eliminating grandparents from their grandchildren's lives is a serious error.
"Radical Acceptance" After Wrongful Accusations - Sometimes we just need to accept the fact that only God can fix things and stop stressing out and giving ourselves impossible goals. We don't stop caring, but accepting (with sorrow) what we don't have the power to change. Maintaining our dignity and balance is essential. The Surrender Novena has been a big help to me.
There are a number of other therapists writing about the estrangement situation with compassion for both sides. Roberta Wasserman, Rachel Haack, Rick McCarthy, Dr. Roger McFillin, and Mickey Heller are all licensed therapists worth reading. If you are suffering parents like we are, I recommend them. And, in fact, Roberta Wasserman helped free me up to write this post. Thank you, Roberta!
To the Mothers Who Were Not Abusive: You Have a Right to Tell Your Story
For parents looking for resources as they navigate the stormy waters of estrangement/discard there is a Family Estrangement Resource Library available here.
I offer this post in honor of all the parents I know who are grieving lost relationships with their children and grandchildren. Their number is legion. But please, parents, remember. You will always be loved and never abandoned. You are nailed to the cross with Jesus where you share in His suffering and have the opportunity to offer your grief for the salvation of your children. Never despair. If you are still crying, a normal reaction, read Coleman's article about your first task and "stabilize." We've been there and needed that. You (and we) have a future and you (and we) have friends. Find and practice things that bring you joy. Don't let the situation rob you of peace. And always continue to love your children and pray for them. Anger and bitterness are serious temptations when we're hurting. Never give in to them.
It's taken my husband and me a long time to regain our balance and stability, but we have. We still grieve, but we are also thankful to our children for giving us a strong motive to strengthen our own marriage, pray more, and have fun together. We also make a point of gathering with friends and those family members who still care about us and want to be around us. And, of course, we praise God for giving us the gift of sharing in His suffering. Above all, we continue to pray for our children whom we hope to meet merrily in heaven even if things are never repaired here on earth. We will not always walk in the valley of tears. An eternity of joy awaits those who remain faithful to the will of God. So let us focus on that reality and be confident that Jesus will shower us with the peace that passes understanding.
And finally, let us pray for one another and for each other's children.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.
Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us
St. Joseph, Pillar of Families, pray for us.
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