What ever happened to family loyalty? My mom used to talk to us kids about it and, to this day, I refuse to cut off any of my siblings or their families despite disagreements. Even less would I cut off my own children and grandchildren. Not that we haven't had a number of challenges over the years. Nevertheless, my husband and I have always been quick to respond when a family member needed help.
So what gives with the "no contact" fad? If that sounds flip, it's because I find the entire thing baffling and cruel. Where is the gratitude? When did people decide it was sensible and a good idea to cut off family members over mistakes and disagreements -- over politics or lifestyle choices or moral decisions? When did gratitude become the ignored and forgotten virtue?
When my husband and I had our children we were committed to loving them all unconditionally. That will never change no matter what they do. And we have the track record to show it. We've walked with our children over some pretty rocky roads. That's what love does.
Many Catholics I know are facing a list of negative therapy labels. They are described as toxic, abusive, boundary-violating, gaslighting, narcissistic so-and-sos who don't deserve to be in their children's lives. Just cut them off for your own mental health. Really? What will be the long-term consequences both to themselves and their children? Is that really a good idea?
Fr. Joseph Gill doesn't think so. He has a great article at Crisis Magazine, Going No-Contact. He shares his own family's six-year estrangement (so far) from one of his sisters, which puts his comments in bas relief. He has personally experienced the very real pain estrangement causes in his own family, although he doesn't elaborate. He doesn't need to. Anyone who's been there knows how much it hurts. No doubt he also has many parishioners experiencing the same thing. Here's a bit from the article which I heartily recommend:
Young adults who estrange themselves from their parents call it “going no-contact.” They usually cite that their parents are “toxic” and that they need “space” for their mental health. Sometimes they had a political or lifestyle disagreement, and this led to a seemingly unhealable rift. Other times, therapists will identify parents as the source of all angst and trial in someone’s life, and this prompts them to cut themselves off. And it is a sad reality that, at times, parents can be truly abusive—and this is a tragedy. But such instances of genuine abuse are the exception. Rather, what people call “toxic” generally means that they are difficult to love, because they are imperfect—but aren’t we all?...
The wounds inflicted by “going no-contact” are multigenerational. Of course, it deeply wounds the parents, who sacrificed so much of their lives for these children. Although no one is a perfect parent, their love was real and incarnated in a myriad of ways, both visible and invisible—the ingratitude of their children is a knife wounding the depths of their hearts. It hurts the next generation, too, as grandkids grow up without a relationship with their Nonna or Papa—a relationship that is mutually enriching. A grandchild needs the unconditional love of a grandparent, and the wisdom passed down through the generations is nearly impossible to replace. To deprive a child of this because of the parent’s interpersonal troubles with the grandparents is to deprive them of a love that is rightfully theirs.
According to surveys 38% of Americans over 18 are estranged from a family member. The problem isn't relegated to adult children cutting off parents, but parents cutting off children, siblings cutting off siblings, and every other possible family relationship breakdown.
I have five living siblings and my husband has eight. Needless to say, we disagree on a number of things, but would never cut off any of them whatever the justification. There may be precipitating causes that tempt us to do it, but we resist contributing to the demonic agenda of destroying families.
And I use the term "demonic" very deliberately. Satan hates the family, especially the nuclear family, because it is the closest thing on earth to the Holy Trinity. God the Father loves the Son and that Love is the Holy Spirit. Father loves Mother and their love is embodied in the child. Effectively, the child is their love with skin on. God ordained it so. The family is the building block of society. When it works at its healthiest, it provides a stable anchor in a stormy world. The ship of the family may have some cracks and worm holes, but it is a better shelter on the stormy seas than a piece of driftwood or a life preserver.
I pray for my family every day. Whether everyone realizes it or not, we need each other. I came across this prayer for family estrangement that I offer here:
Heavenly Father, we come to You with hearts burdened by family estrangement, seeking Your healing and grace. Soften hardened hearts, mend broken relationships, and guide us toward forgiveness and understanding. May Your love restore what has been lost and bring peace where there is division. Amen.
May we all learn to navigate disagreements with charity and compassion and a big dose of forgiveness through the power of the Holy Spirit. And a little gratitude wouldn't hurt either.
May the Holy Family pray for us.
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