Why I Will Never Go "No Contact"

I recently read a shocking statistic. Thirty-eight percent of Americans went "no-contact" with a friend or family member in the past year. That's about one in four individuals. And many remain estranged indefinitely. That's a pretty significant number of people cutting ties with family and friends. 

Why is this happening? Lots of reasons, but I found this particularly sad:

What’s worth noting here is that avoidance has become the default response to relationship friction. Nearly three-quarters of respondents (73 percent) said they feel inclined to distance themselves from a friend or loved one during difficult moments, rather than communicate openly to solve the problem. [source]

That sounds immature to me and basically anti-Christian. Think of the missionaries who went into foreign lands to evangelize people whose beliefs totally differed from their own, often shockingly so. How many indigenous people in Africa, South America, and even in North America practiced cannibalism, child sacrifice, torture murder of their enemies, and bizarre, superstitious religion practices.

Obviously if parents, family members, and friends truly tortured and abused someone, "no contact" would be about self-preservation. But did they? People today seem to throw around terms like abusive, toxic, narcissistic, gaslighting, etc. rather cavalierly, often describing mistakes, weaknesses, and imperfections in extreme terms. Sending an unwelcome invitation is a "boundary violation?" 

And, what's incredibly dysfuncional is that many so-called therapists enable and even encourage the "no contact" approach with half the story. Here's what Michele Weiner-Davis wrote in Psychology Today about the Oprah Winfrey episode on estrangement and the comments of Dr. Lindsay Gibson:

The other night, I made the mistake of watching an Oprah podcast (she films her podcasts) before I went to bed.

The topic was the current trend in our culture for people to sever relationships with family members. For the most part, the discussion centered around adult children who chose to end contact with their parents....

You might be familiar with Dr. Gibson’s book that helps people identify their parents’ flaws, diagnoses them as “toxic,” or "emotionally immature," laying the groundwork for initiating “no contact.” Without ever encouraging parents of disgruntled adult children to join them in therapy, Gibson diagnoses absent parents and demonstrates how her clients will lead happier and more fulfilled lives without their so-called toxic, narcissistic family members. (She admitted on the podcast that her clients don't identify their parents as being problematic, Gibson does. She "helps" them connect the dots.)

Wow! The therapist "helps" the adult child to focus like a laser on blaming the parents. No wonder ditching family members has become such a trend. It's often fueled by therapists like Gibson. And she's not the only one. Some have thrown their own family members under the bus -- you know, the ones who paid for their education, car-pooled to school events, ballet, swim team, play practice, etc. My mom used to joke about children who want to know, "What have you done for me lately?" Sometimes no matter how much, it's never enough and is no guarantee that you won't be disappeared later.

But even if criticism of family members is well deserved is "no contact" the real answer? Did the missionaries leave the Indians in their sin? No, they not only evangelized them, but often did amazing things to preserve the good things in their culture and to enable better communication. The Hurons had no written language. It was Jesuit Father Jean de Brébeuf who mastered their difficult language and wrote a grammar, a catechism, and a phrase book to make communication with them easier. Why? So he and his fellow missionaries could save souls! 

When I think of what the holy North American missionary martyrs did to save one soul, I'm shocked that so many Christians are willing to cut off friends and family over politics or disagreements, sometimes petty disagreements. Whatever happened to cutting people some slack?

I've decided I will never go no contact. I have a sister who is mentally ill who has called me names, sent me vicious letters, and often hangs up on me if I disagree with something she says. I still call her. She's my sister and I love her and I'm sure she's lonely. Cutting her off because she's sick would be cruel. Why would I do that? I wish she would take meds and get back in her right mind, but I have no control over that. We were once close friends so the loss is a bitter one. I will not enable her paranoia, but I will never refuse to reach out.

I don't chase those who refuse a relationship with me, but I pray for them and will never refuse to re-connect. I regret the times in the past that I cut people off, usually because of their commitment to child killing. In the future, I hope never to go no-contact with anyone by my choice. Of course, I have no control over the choices of others, but no one can force me not to pray for them or not take advantage of a crack in the door big enough for a toe.

We are all called to be missionaries since the mission field is everywhere, maybe especially so in secularized first world countries. How can we abandon the souls in our own family circle and neighborhoods? That's what no contact means.

Will everyone be saved? No, but God wills that we do all we can to cooperate with Him in saving "the many." How do we do that? By bringing them to knowledge and love of Him. And, really, how can souls not love God when they see the love that Jesus had and has for each one of us? Some just need a good shake to realize it.

When I sidewalk counseled at abortion centers for years, I often had an odd kind of relationship with the deathskorts. They were there to prevent us from talking to the women. The abortion business didn't want to risk losing one lucrative abortion! The female deathskorts were actually the worst. There is something truly unnatural and inhuman about women who reject their very nature and become advocates of child killing. They are the descendants of Lady Macbeth who prayed for the demons to unsex her.

Deathskort Jim, on the other hand, would engage with me without too much vitriol. He was a retired postman. We spoke many times since he was usually there when I was. Above all, he loved his dog Pumpkin and was working hard to get a law written in Virginia that vet clinics had to have 24/7 coverage since poor Pumpkin died during the night unattended. I once asked Jim if he would think of the babies as puppies since he valued their lives much more than the littlest humans. He often gave me notes about how God would receive back the souls of the murdered children and give them to someone else who would want them. I hope he repented before he died. I still pray for his salvation when I think of him.

There is nothing truer than the saying, "Where there's life there's hope." So I will keep praying and connecting with others and trying to work out conflicts when they occur. That can only happen through contact. No contact is the death of relationships. Sad, but it happens. The only answer when it does is to unite the suffering, which is as real as a physical death, to the cross of Christ and trust in Him.

Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.