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Friday, February 9, 2024

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Happy Happy Church! 
(Trains in the Sky)

Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton was a British author made famous in the modern era from the Peanuts cartoon character, Snoopy, and his eternal quest to write a book beginning with Bulwer-Lytton’s classic opening, “It was a dark and stormy night.” 

"The sardonic Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, held annually since 1982, claims to seek the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels - that is, one which is deliberately bad."

Below are a few bad first sentences from books in the religion category.

PAPAL AUDIENCE SERIES: "Planes and Trains and Acrobats" - Riding his magic carpet made of steel across the Vatican sky over St Peter's (because he no longer trusted Boeing 747's Shepherd One) the pope, in his best Arlo Guthrie impersonation, sang, "Good morning, TLM Catholics, how are ya?" then in a sinister voice said, "Have you not heard the news that before the day is done, one more feckless rigid doctrine will have faded like a bad dream into the disappearing Catholic Church?" but suddenly his train fell from the sky crashing into Santa Marta where the numerous scantily-clad Vatican acrobats were housed.

NON-FICTION: "Is This the Current State of Your Diocese?" - Heresy hung heavy over the diocese like a dank dark cloud of doom dripping its poison to form one giant river of Modernism that flowed unimpeded through the diocese with tributary streams to the parishes, trickling down to the soul of each and every man, woman, and child, therefore despite the flood of new diocesan programs and policies, the loss of faith soared.

JESUIT THEOLOGY CATEGORY: "Teaching Catholics Their Catholic Faith!" Catholicism is about creating solutions and changing lives which is what is really true because it’s not about achieving; it’s about who we are as we celebrate individuality by unity with the manifestation of expectation in the inclusive diversity of our lives with our ultimate goal, after respectfully discussing the pros and cons, revealing nothing.

HOW-TO SERIES: "Step-By-Step Guide On How To Do Catholic Ritual" - Archbishop Al and Bishop Bob (just call us by our nicknames!) swanned into the worship space where they were soon to perform liturgical festivities, for, as the main presiders at the table bringing the bread and wine of the Christ figure to the people (Christ Himself), they were aware of something the bishop of Rome recently intimated about Our Parent in heaven, Who apparently, after all of eternity, approved of people living in alternative lifestyles, and they were pleased that, since it was 2024 CE, both God and the times they were a-changin’.

MYSTERY NOVEL WINNER: "Serial Killers of Souls" - Nora reached for her phone but her fingers sliding across the screen were as slow as a snail on Valium, therefore she wasn't quickly able to explain to her parish's multi-pierced, purple and pink haired RCIA catechist (was this person transgender?) that sexologist John Money's theory about sex and gender was an evil lie, then, deciding never to return to RCIA, she wondered why she had wanted to become Catholic in the first place.

*APOCALYPTIC LITERATURE: "The Coming Storm" - Since God frequently punishes sinful man by delivering him up to a reprobate sense and to the tyranny of the passions of his heart as the reward of his contempt of divine love, when the whole world shall renounce Christ and reject the authority of His Church then God’s treatment of the world shall be like to that of individuals; he shall respond to its criminal desires, which stifles the love of those saving truths, and He will deliver the world up to the man of sin who shall consign it to the darkness of vice and error since it rejected the light of truth and virtue – then Satan shall have universal sway for awhile over all nations.

* Not sure who in history wrote this sentence. Found it on the Internet awhile back.

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