Remember, Alligator, That Thou Art Dust...

Really!? A Q-tip?

Topsy and Tuptim have escaped snow and ice in the north to enjoy a Winter holiday at a Florida wildlife preserve. Neither of them sleeps very well in a hotel and are bemoaning the bad dreams they had last night.

Topsy: I had such bad dreams last night and got so little sleep and had a terrible nightmare. I kept waking up screaming, "No God! No!! No-o-o. Pleeeease!" ...Didn't you hear me?

Tuptim: That was you? I thought it was me. I had nightmares too. What was your dream?

Topsy: I was following an alligator into his underwater den. Then everything got really crazy. It looked like an ugly modernist chapel.

Tuptim: Oh my gosh! That was my dream too except I was being chased by the alligator!

Topsy: Did you end up in a chapel? 

Tuptim: Yes!

Topsy: What did it look like?

Tuptim: I couldn't figure out whether I was in Orlando or LA. It reminded me of the West Coast Religious Ed Conference with a table and dancing girls and everything was purple! It was Ash Wednesday and it was so weird.

Topsy: And Cardinal Cupich was the celebrant? (Tuptim nods vigorously.)

Tuptim: And Father James Martin was the Master of Ceremonies. He was wearing a purple chasuble... 

Topsy: ...and a rainbow stole!? Oh my gosh, Tupitm. We really were in the same dream. What happened next?

Tuptim: I'm not sure. But before Mass started Cardinal Cupich and Fr Martin were arguing in the sacristy about how to distribute ashes following the new Orlando Diocesan Repertoire of Safety for Catholics during the Chinese virus.

Topsy: What the heck is the Repertoire of Safety?

Tuptim: You know! It's coprophilia. C.R.A.P. It stands for Covid Response Accountability Protocol.

Topsy: (rolling her eyes) Mislabeled! ...We need truth in advertising. The "A" really stands for "assinine". So what were they doing in the sacristy besides arguing?

Tuptim: They were practicing how to distribute ashes using the new protocol rules. There was a whole table of hands.

Tospy: (looking incredulous) Hands!?

Welcoming the sheep to the Ash-ram

Tuptim: Yeah. You know. Artificial hands. And there was a big bowl overflowing with Q-tips next to the bowl of ashes. And they had salt and pepper shakers filled with ashes too! It was the weirdest thing, Topsy. They had a model head on the counter...

Topsy: A HEAD???!!

Tuptim: Yes. You know. From a dummy...and they were arguing about how to do the ashes. They tried a few different things. Cardinal Cupich wanted to shake ashes in peoples' hair on top of their heads because he didn't want to touch anybody. He looked at Fr Martin and said, "I'm absolutely not touching those smelly sheep!"

Topsy: (excitedly) Oh...oh...right! Then Fr Martin picked up a Q-tip and shook it in front of Cupich's face and said, "No! No! This Q-tip will be the bridge between us and the sheep. We need to be near them so they know all are welcome."

Tuptim: (continuing) Then Cupich said, "Q-tips are only three inches long! I'm not getting that close." He picked up one of the hands and put it on the end of his walking stick and shook it in Martin's face. "This is as close as I'm getting to the lepers in the pew. I'll use the Q-tip but it's gonna be in a hand and the hand will be on the end of a long stick. Social distancing is an important part of our C.R.A.P. rules, you know." They argued for awhile then both of them threw up their hands and Cupich said, "You do your thing, I'll do mine."

Sheep gets his ashes.
Note C.R.A.P. rules require rubber gloves
per Repertoire of Safety

Topsy: Right! Then in my dream people started coming up for ashes. And at the end of the line there was an enormous alligator! His name was Sheep! I remember! He was really insulted and angry when Fr Martin called him "man". He grabbed Fr Martin and dragged him over to the baptismal hot tub and held him under - ashes, Q-tips and all.

Tuptim: Cupich just looked over, tsk-tsked with a disgusted look on his face and said, "He should have observed social distancing." And then I woke up.

Topsy: (shaking her head). I need an aspirin. Really, Tuptim. We can't go to the Bootlegger Distillery anymore before bedtime. 

Tuptim: I hear ya. A-woman!