Monday Morning Musing: Into the Great Loneliness

Jesus the Comforter by August Andreas Jerndorff (25 January 1846 – 28 July 1906)

More and more these days, I think about the great loneliness. That's my description of the time after the death of a spouse. I'll be 78 next month and Larry will turn 80 in May. None of our parents lived to be 90. My dad died at 67, my mom at 83. Larry's dad died just short of his 86th birthday, his mom at 79. My mom outlived my dad; Larry's dad outlived his mom. Of course, no one knows except God the length of our days, but for sure the great loneliness is coming for one of us. I confess it frightens me to think of being the surviving spouse in the desert of grief.

Of course, some people immediately begin looking for a replacement after a spouse dies. I know several men and women who married within a few years of losing their spouse. One began looking about five minutes after his wife died. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but it's not for me, and Larry shares my opinion. Neither of us has any intention of remarrying. And that's not because we haven't had a wonderful marriage.  We've grown to appreciate each other even more with the awareness that our time together is short. Our attitude toward remarrying could change, of course, but, considering our ages, it seems unlikely.

I'm interested in talking to widows and widowers who, like us, decide to remain single, and ask them how they've navigated the great loneliness. One widow friend whose free moments are rare has become the mother/grandmother of our chapel and serves the priests and our community with a zeal and cheerfulness that brings joy to everyone. Sometimes we joke that she should set up a cot in a back room since she's there so much.

I've known others who sink into despair, even faith-filled Christians. They don't seem able to realize that God has his reasons and they are still called to embrace life and navigate its shoals. God's plan for them encompasses their new role as widow or widower, if they would only embrace their grief in a new way and seek God's will in their loneliness. 

One can find many resources to help. And loneliness doesn't just affect those who've lost a spouse. How many singles are lonely? I certainly was after I graduated from college. Coming from a military family, I had moved every four or five years. I had no longterm friends from childhood and my college friends and acquaintances dispersed around the country after graduation. I felt very much alone as I rented my first apartment and started my first job. I was shy in those days and not very good at small talk. Making new friends, for the most part, was difficult and challenging. 

What a blessing if all of us made a special effort to be aware of the lonely around us: fellow pewsitters, the abandoned in nursing homes, alienated teenagers, someone at a meeting or social gathering standing alone. So many people today are "lost in the cosmos" and don't realize they have intimate friends in their guardian angel and, above all, in Jesus and His Mother. None of us is ever really alone, but we can feel that way. And doesn't that instill in us a tremendous fear? We are not meant to be alone as God said in the garden.

Here's an article with tips for those who've lost a spouse, but they would be equally good for anyone suffering from loneliness. 

How to deal with loneliness when your spouse dies: 12 tips

Another interesting article I found was from the perspective of a recent college graduate.

How to Get Better at Doing Things Alone 

Here's just one paragraph from this article I thought gave a different and interesting perspective:

Amid an epidemic of loneliness, it may seem counterintuitive to carve out alone time. But as long as you also have a strong social network, research suggests that quality solo time boosts happiness, curbs stress, and improves life satisfaction. It can even make you more productive and creative. Plus, when you’re alone, you’re able to get in touch with yourself in a way you can’t when surrounded by other opinions and ideas. “You have this isolated time to drown out the noise and influences from other people,” Gaddy says.

One special "alone time" for me is Eucharistic Adoration. Of course, one is not really alone spending time before the Blessed Sacrament. I look at Him and He looks at me and sometimes thoughts come to mind that bring the peace that surpasses understanding. I expect if I'm the spouse who enters the great loneliness, my first refuge will be Jesus, abandoned and alone in His passion. The great loneliness will be an invitation to run to the Sacred Heart and rest there. 

We all experience episodes of loneliness even when we are surrounded by others. Can we begin to see those times as opportunities for self-examination and coming to know ourselves better? I think it was Socrates who said the unexamined life is not worth living. The next time I'm alone and thinking about the great loneliness, I will also think of that lonely time we will all experience on our deathbed. We die alone. May God give us the wisdom to prepare for that great loneliness by appealing to St. Joseph for the grace of a happy death.