"Jesus is a smart guy. He must keep his underwear dry or people will die."

The Holy Spirit in his tighty-whities. 
Are they damp or are they dry?

Somehow the above title translates into "We are the Body of Christ." I'm still trying to figure it out, even after seeking clarification by asking visiting priest Fr Jerry Cunningham if Jesus' damp underwear was the theme of his Corpus Christi homily. [Orlando Diocese, St Mary of the Lakes Catholic Church, Eustis, FL, June 23rd, 10am Mass]

He said yes, then mumbled something which was difficult to understand because he speaks too fast. It went like this...

Me: "So the theme of your homily was that Jesus must keep his underwear dry because it could make people die?"

Fr Cunningham: "Yes, blah blah blah yada yada means we are the Body of Christ."

So I gathered that was a definite yes, we are the Body of Christ, but only if Jesus makes certain that his underwear is dry. The underpants part seems to be important because St Thomas Aquinas said we are God and since we, as God, wear underwear we need to make certain it's dry or we might indirectly kill other people.

Just so you know, I make certain my underwear is dry before taking it out of the dryer so no one is going to die because of my damp underpants. But then I am not Jesus. Or am I? Because Fr Cunningham said I was. We are Jesus, which in my way of thinking makes me God and as God I definitely can say that I do dry my underwear all the way - bone dry, parched, practically desiccated. So it's settled then. Don't blame me if something bad happens because my underwear is dry and I didn't have anything to do with your bad fortune.

Jesus, doing whatever his mother tells him.
 "Son, make sure your underpants are dry."

Fr Gerard (Jerry or Gerry) Cunningham, a retired priest of the Diocese of Orlando, is a happy clappy sort of priest - the kind that zips through the Mass because he doesn't believe any of it. He never loses an opportunity to be a comedian even during the Mass...especially during the Mass...because he celebrated Mass as his own personal comedy hour.

He feigned fright at seeing the Director of Music, made jokes to ushers at the Collection because the Mass is all about him and his comedy act, joshed with the lone altar boy at the Washing of the Hands because Jesus was such a funny guy, and made derisive comments about the beauty of the altar saying it should be simple "with no frills because Jesus was a simple man with no frills. There are too many candles up there. It's too hot!" Hahahaha! Hahahaha!

Fr Cunningham never once folded his hands in prayer since he doesn't really think there is a God at all, except all of us sitting in the pews, and since he doesn't believe in the Catholic Faith, I, as his God, say he should leave the priesthood. [Hahahahaha.]

When the Procession of the one lone altar boy and the one lone priest began, Fr Cunningham was outside the door yukking it up with people entering the church. The altar boy looked behind him then hesitated since there was no priest in sight. Fr Cunningham finally dashed through the doors and began his comedy act [just like TV comedians dash onto the stage to begin their routines] during which he never once folded his hands in prayer because for him it's all a circus of total mindless hilarity. Just one laugh after another. A funny and fun Mass so we'll all be happy and not think of anything serious like life or death, morality, abortion, sodomy - and especially that greatest taboo of all for a Leftist priest - God. 

Catholics must remain in a permanent state of childish glee. Hahahahaha! Happy to be at a happy Mass with a happy priest who's funny and entertaining. That's what life is all about. Fun fun fun! Endless happiness. And Holy Mass is just a romp through the sunny ant-free green grass to the picnic area to have our ordinary meal of ourselves. Yummy! Hahaha! We are God.

Father Cunningham began his homily by uncharitably calling the parishioners at the prior mass liars. Grabbing the microphone and stepping down in front of the altar he began working the crowd with, "Can you hear me? The parishioners at the prior Mass said that they could but they lied. They're liars. They couldn't hear me!" Hahahahaha!  [Was that a joke against the elderly?] He then began his underpants homily for the Feast of Corpus Christi.

People worshiping God, Creator of Heaven and Earth,
the Great I Am Who Am, the Eternal Ancient of Days

Twenty years ago he was the Catholic chaplain on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln which had 6,000 people aboard. Planes on aircraft carriers are launched into the air by catapult and tail hooked on landing, "all done by 18 year old kids. Hahaha!"

The ship had what Fr Cunningham  referenced as "the idiot Hahaha! who took visiting dignitaries and female movie stars ooooh on a tour of the ship." That idiot, he said, was himself Hahahaha! supposedly because he's competent and such a funny guy. Hahahaha! He said that when visitors would ask what the most important job on the ship was he would take them to the laundry. [More than likely he took them there on his own initiative so as to perform his comedy act.] He would tell them that the job of running the ship's 5 huge washers and dryers was the most important job on the entire ship Hahahaha! and that the 5 people running those machines were the most important people on the ship. Why? Because they were in charge of drying the clothes. Hahahaha!

He then entered into the meat of the matter at hand, the doctrine, if you will, thereby solving the immense theological problem facing us everyday which, obviously known to anyone correctly catechized, is damp underwear. Explaining that he was a lazy person [meaning that he was too lazy to even want to perform his priestly duties - funerals in this instance] he said that if anyone had ever worn damp underwear they would know that that alone is enough to drive a man insane.

With the enormous volume of clothes for 6,000 people passing through the 5 washers and 5 dryers sometimes the clothes were not returned entirely dry. They were damp, including underpants and we know what that means! Hahahaha!

Hahahahaha!!! OMG! Mass is SO fun!!

Then standing before the Sacrificial Altar of God, Fr Cunningham demonstrated how tortuously unbearable damp underwear can be. He leaned over, thereby mooning the Altar, Tabernacle and Crucifix, and physically grabbed the back of his pants, then, wiggling his fanny all around and back and forth Hahahaha! and clutching at the back of his pants, Hahahaha!! this priest of Almighty God demonstrated to us how hellish damp underwear can be for a person to have to bear Hahahaha! As if to relieve himself of itchy damp underwear giving him prickly skin which could damage his thought process thereby indirectly killing people by not concentrating on the job at hand Hahahaha! Fr Cunningham demonstrated the agony of this unbelievable manner of torture. Hahahaha! Wiggle wiggle wiggle. Hahahaha!

And didn't we know what damp underpants can do to us? That form of torture makes it impossible to concentrate on anything else. Therefore if the 18 year-olds Hahahahaha! manning the catapults and tail-hook landings for the pilots had damp underwear, they would be concentrating on their itchy skin [and genitals], grabbing at their underpants and not paying attention to their duties, therefore the pilots might die! You are the Body of Christ! Hahahahaha!

Then seriously and as profoundly as a shallow liberal mind is able Fr Cunningham got to the heart of the Feast of Corpus Christi. "We should not be caught up in frills because the Sacrament of the Eucharist is ordinary. Simple. Ordinary things are important. You are important. You are the Body of Christ. Jesus was a smart guy. He became man so you and I can become God. You are what you eat. You are the sacrament. You are the ship. [Make up your mind, Father.] Bring Christ out there. You are Jesus Christ. Do your laundry. Dry your clothes. Save the world."

Orlando's Bishop John Noonan should save the souls of Catholics in his diocese by forcing Fr Cunningham out of the priesthood. Is Fr Cunningham homosexual? I ask because it's easy to recognize a homosexual priest. Always, always, always they will plunge our minds straight down into the gutter by mentioning filth. Be it feces humor, toilet humor or underwear humor they create sordid images in our minds. Where the Word of God should be preached in order to lift our minds to heaven, homilies by homosexual priests send our minds deep into the place where their minds dwell.

In addition, because of Fr Cunningham's homily, how many children in the pews at St Mary of the Lakes now think Jesus is Captain Underpants? How many Catholics over the years have been led by this priest further and further in the opposite direction of God? Catholics leave the Church because of priests like Fr Cunningham. I thank God that I had not brought any visitor to Mass. How embarrassing that would have been.

Mass was over in 45 minutes on the dot and we all dispersed into the world to be the God who makes sure our underpants are dry so as not to kill anyone. Hahahahaha!

Worshiping God sounds like this?