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Monday, January 16, 2023

Once Upon a Time in Detroit

The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
They're celebrating the Old Mass again!
What shall we do?!

Chapter I - The Hysteria

Once upon a time in Detroit there lived a chicken in a TV studio (Barnyard Militant) who, while filming a "Spotlight" video wearing her bright pink jacket that "popped" against the drab background drape, felt a whiff of incense waft above the dark feathers on her head.

Christine Little, known to friends and enemies alike as Chrissie (spelled Chrazzie), hysterically screamed, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! There's incense in the air and it landed on my head! The SSPX is celebrating the forbidden Old Mass again which Barnyard Militant has declared schismatic and must be banned from the face of the earth forever!"

As she ran squawking down the digital information highway of the Internet, Chrazzie Little ran head on into Rooster Looster whose spectacular golden top feathers flopped lazily over one beady eye. "Rooster Looster! Rooster Looster! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Incense is in the air and it landed on my head! What shall we do?!"

Rooster Looster, who had heard Chrazzie Little's tantrums long before he saw her, replied, "Sue the snakes! Sue the snakes! Sue them for pain and suffering, intentional infliction of emotional distress and torturous interference for refusing to celebrate the Novus Ordo!"

Chrazzie Little, in her frantic fantasy of being the most effective and greatest investigative journalist of all time hesitated, then questioned Rooster Looster: "Er...What will we get for all that?"

Rooster Looster replied, "We can get payment for malpractice of religion, negligence of not adhering to Vatican II thereby resulting in mental anguish, impaired earning power and loss of esteem."

Enthusiastically Chrazzie replied, "Wow! That's fantastic! Let's go find a really really good lawyer!" So they ran down the road looking for legal assistance crying, "Sue the snakes! Sue the snakes! Smash the conspiracy! Smash the conspiracy!"

Chapter II - The Victimhood Scheme

Meanwhile dear old bespectacled Foxy Loxy, Attorney-at-law, J.D., LL.M,, and J.S.D., dressed in a blue suit and carrying his briefcase met Chrazzie and Rooster Looster on the road. He held up his paw to halt them then inquired who they had in their sights to sue this time, for he had already heard the news, and knew his services would be needed.

"Well, well, Chrazzie and R.L. You've already sued every Catholic entity in the kingdom with your sensational tabloid journalism. Who haven't you sued yet? Who is it you want to be deprived of their freedom of speech, cancelled and cast into prison this time? Is anyone left? Is it the SSPX?" 

"No! No!' clucked Chrazzie, stamping her claws. "We want to sue the Kansas City Star! They need to stop publishing content contrary to what I have declared to be true for I speak the truth always, and am esteemed across the kingdom for my honesty and integrity!"

"Is that so?" replied Foxy Loxy. "Your grievances of victimhood then would be personal injury of your thought process, intentional infliction of outrage resulting in emotional distress, and interference of old news by exposing current hearsay and lies?"

"Yes!, NO! That's impossible because Barnyard Militant is the premier Catholic apostolate on the planet (DONATE here) and we expose lies, not tell them!"

Chapter III - The Trial

Foxy Loxy begins: "So you're saying then when you, in your tiresome diatribe (, accused Fr Wegner - at the time District Superior for the SSPX in the United States - of being caught on audio referencing 200 cases of abuse that you DID know he was referring to 200 sex abuse cases in all 4 Kansas Dioceses - Wichita, Salina, Dodge City, Kansas City - of Novus Ordo priests and NOT the SSPX. Isn't that right, Miss Little? You DID know that, didn't you? Miss Little? Miss Little! I'm speaking to you! Please stop clucking at the jury! It's inappropriate!

"Since you weren't paying attention, I'll repeat my last statement. You did willingly spread fake news with a lie by saying Fr Wegner was referring to the 200 cases of sex abuse as being from 50 SSPX priests alone, didn't you, Miss Little? You willingly lied to defame and slander the SSPX, didn't you?"

"And now you're rehashing all the old lies to renew that defamation against the SSPX. Why is that, Rooster Looster and Miss Little?"

"Because we want to go on a cruise! (REGISTER here) We need money because not enough people signed up to hear Rooster Looster tell other people how to be Catholic! He knows how to be the perfect Catholic because he was a sinner once and now isn't anymore and people need to listen to him on how to live life because no one else has ever been so gloriously redeemed! Isn't that right, R.L.?!" says Chrazzie Little flapping her wings. 

"Yes, yes...All that and more," admits Rooster Looster.

With acknowledgement to James Finn Garner


Irenaeus said...

Rather unkind. I get you do not like them. However, silence is preferable in matters such as this. Leave them be.

Mark Nelson said...

Clever and informative. We used to call this "a taste of their own medicine". Nicely done!

Susan Matthiesen said...

Awww...poor Church Militant. I'm picking on them. So sad. But it's OK for them to willfully LIE in order to spread slander and defame the SSPX.

Irenaeus said...

Yes, Church Militant has said things they should not have said. But does that mean you need to reply in kind? That is all. Out of respect to you, though, I will leave you be too. God keep you.

Susan Matthiesen said...

Irenaeus, would you have told Christ that He was unkind? That you "get he does not like the merchants in the temple" and that "silence is preferable in matters such as this"? As in, "Put that whip away, Jesus! That's unkind! Be silent!"

Irenaeus said...


Mike B said...

The tiresome diatribe hyperlink doesn’t work for me. Got a Google login request and then it didn’t show any article. Is there another way to post that link you were referring to?

Susan Matthiesen said...

I'm at work right now. Will fix the link when I get home about 10:00.

Andrew Dunn said...

Brilliant satire Susan. Considering all the years of hysterical, tabloid-style, fake-news from a certain, improperly named, “Catholic” media group from suburban Detroit and their doubly hysterical pattern of frivolous lawsuits, I think this post today is especially apt.

Tradical said...

I don't have a problem with Satire, I found it entertaining in a world bereft of such wit. So thank you!

However, I'm trying to reconcile the numbers - 200 cases vs 200 priests (i.e. 188 priests ... over 50 years).

Could you help me out ???

MikeB said...

Thanks! Great piece - nicely done. 🙂

Susan Matthiesen said...

Tradical, when I get home tonight I'll explain.

Mary Ann Kreitzer said...

I fixed the link, Susan.

Susan Matthiesen said...

Thank you for fixing the link, Mary Ann.

Tradical, since Mary Ann fixed the link in the article for "tiresome diatribe" you can now click on it to read the original story to better understand that the Kansas Bureau of Investigation (KBI) was investigating about 200 cases of sex abuse from the 4 Novus Ordo dioceses of Kansas, City, Salina, Wichita and Dodge City, and later they added the SSPX in St Mary's.

Fr Wegner was asked the question of how many cases of sex abuse were being investigated by the KBI. He replied about 5-200. Church Militant took that answer and made it into a fake news story of Fr Wegner saying that all 200 cases being investigated were from the SSPX.

If you read the link to the Kansas City Star you'll see that the KBI ended up finding 188 (not 200) cases of sex abuse from the 4 Kansas dioceses...and none from the SSPX as far as I know.

Either CM lied on purpose or they are completely and totally incompetent, therefore unfit to report news of any sort.

BJ said...

Niles doesn't even know that the diocese of Kansas City, St. Joseph is in Missouri. And she didn't even correct it when I reported the error. Archbishop Naumann's diocese is called "Kansas City in Kansas".

Anonymous said...

You don’t Church Militant well do you?

DB said...

"Tiresome diatribe" link, when clicked, opens up Blogger Buzz, so something is still amiss. Please fix or provide link address for access. Thanks.

Mary Ann Kreitzer said...

Since this appears to be an ongoing problem I hotlinked the words again, but also included the link to the page. I have no idea what the problem is because when I click on "tiresome diatribe" it goes to the correct page. Sorry.

Tradical said...

Hi Susan,

Thanks - that makes sense!

... and I suspect it is a case of incompetence.