Does Your Marriage Need Help? Psychologist Ray Guarendi May Have the Answer

Among his many books is this one describing what he's learned from his children

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a Catholic psychologist with ten adopted children and host of EWTN's 
program, The Doctor is In. He's written a book, Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage. I suspect most of us married folk could use a little advice and assistance from time to time. In a National Catholic Register interview with Joseph Pronechen, Dr. Ray had this to say:

Why did you see the need to write this book?
Believe it or not, I was working out one day, and a friend said, “Have you ever written a book on marriage?” I said, “No.” He said, “You should.” So I did.

One of the things that moved me was that the majority of marriages dissolve not because of pathology, but because the two people stop liking each other. They drift apart. They stopped doing the things that once solidified their relationship. In fact, there are small things they can do to return some of that. That’s my goal. I can’t necessarily deal with the pathology, like alcoholism, or abuse or pornography or adultery in a book, but I can give you a lot of ideas for being a better person in a marriage. And the quickest way to change your spouse is to change yourself first.

You write, “The secret of a good marriage, for the most part, is that there are no secrets — only commonsense, time-tested ideas practiced by countless others who have done it well.” Why don’t people realize that?

We are in an over-psychologized society. We talk about enlightened communication techniques; we can talk about proper sharing of feelings. In fact, getting along with people, anybody, even in very close relationships, can be distilled down to a few simple ideas. The problem is — and I’m asked this oftentimes in therapy, when people will say to me, “What’s the hardest part of therapy?” And I’ll say, “That’s very simple — convincing others to do what would be good for them and the people around them.” And that’s why, when I wrote this book, a large part is devoted to trying to convince you that these are, in fact, good things to do. Most people realize there (sic) are, but out of laziness or resistance, they don’t do it.

The entire interview is worth reading. I haven't read the book, but it looks interesting and useful.

Bonnie, our Plymouth Blue is a love!

One thing I've learned personally is that having chickens is good for marriage. Crazy? Well, let me explain. When we first got our chickens and they were big enough, we let them free range all day. That ended on the afternoon that Pidgie, our Welsummer, disappeared. We later saw a red fox prowling around the chicken coop so we stopped letting the chickens out unless we were outside. We figured that Pidgie ended up in the fox's belly and one chicken dinner was all we would allow.

So every evening we go out and sit under the pine tree "umbrella." We pray the rosary together, watch the chickens, and laugh at their antics. After the rosary we spend another 30-45 minutes either chatting or reading a book together. At present we're enjoying Fr. Gabriel Amorth's reminiscences of his close friend, Padre Pio. What a great saint!

Praying and chatting near the end of the day has become a precious time for us. We reflect on what's going on with the kids and grandkids, what's on the calendar, when we should go back to visit family in Wheeling, or whether we should take a camping trip this fall, or any number of nothings. We discuss possible projects -- like the outside nesting box on the coop that solved the problem of Whopper laying underneath. (Climbing under the coop to retrieve her eggs was getting very tiresome for this old lady and Larry can't get down on his knees anymore.) What a grateful wife I was when we attached the nesting box to the side of the coop. Now I can just flip the lid and collect the eggs. Best of all, the chickens love it. They are laying earlier and many days they all lay. 

Lift the lid for eggs!

During free range time, we usually end up having to corral two wandering chickens who like to venture down by the woods. We keep telling them that's where Reynard lives, but they don't listen. So we go and shoo them back to safer spaces. It reminds me of the things parents do to protect their children when they're little. We feel like border collies on duty.

Larry and I will be married 54 years this October. It's been quite a journey with ups and downs and sometimes inside outs. It's filled with happy memories, sorrowful memories, sickness and health, good times and bad... until death do we part. Every Catholic couple married in the Church knows all that. It's in the wedding vows, the promises you make on your wedding day. 

Often times when someone gets married there will be a party with a "box." Guests are invited to fill out a card with advice for the engaged or newlywed couple. My advice is the same I gave to newlyweds on their honeymoon, J.B. and Kendra. We met them waiting in line for the tram in Gatlinburg where we went for our 50th wedding anniversary celebration. I told them we'd pray for them and that if they would take one piece of advice from an old married couple: "Keep your promises and always treat each other with respect." For us, those promises are sacred. They've protected our marriage for almost 54 years and will continue to do so until the day one of us dies. We made them before God; how can we take them back? My grandmother, a sarcastic Prussian, sometimes quipped about her relationship with my grandfather, "Kill him yes; divorce him never!" It became something of a family joke. I heard it from my smiling mother many times whose cheerfulness to this day blesses me.

Larry and I pray often for married couples. We spent years doing Engaged Encounter weekends, Conferences for the Engaged, and Pre-Cana. We met a lot of couples over those years who touched our lives. The reason I remember J.B. and Kendra is that I wrote down their names and put them in my rosary prayer box. As I rotate through the holy cards and notes each day, they come up periodically and I smile remembering how sweet they were. Young love is beautiful, so fresh and new like a rosebud. But old love is beautiful too -- like a full blown rose or perhaps like a sprig of dried lavender that retains its beautiful purple color. Red and purple: the colors of martyrdom and sacrifice. 

As we approach 54 years of marriage, Larry and I have kept our promises. Sometimes I've failed to do it cheerfully. Larry has done better in that department. But we are still both committed to keeping those vows we made so long ago.  

God never promised us a rose garden in this life, but He tells us often that, "...eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath it entered into the heart of man, what things God hath prepared for them that love him." And so we journey on confident that He keeps His promises better than we ever could. And we pray now for whichever one of us will be the surviving spouse going on alone into great loneliness. That's when I cling to my favorite scripture passage that, "All things work together for good to those who love the Lord and serve according to His purpose." Death is the door in the story about the Lady and the Tiger. the only difference is that we know behind which door stands Our Lady and which door harbors the viscious cat who prowls the world seeking whom he can devour. We have chosen our door and will rejoice when it opens leading us to eternal life.

May we all have the grace to love and persevere. It isn't easy but the reward is heavenly.